Overcoming Fear Behind the Camera: A Photography Case Study
I moved to Northern California back at the beginning of 2020, to follow my then-fiancé for her new job, and transitioned to commercial photography. This was just before COVID, of course, but that is a story for another time, perhaps.
I had some time on my hands then—a little aimless, at least for a period. Trying to learn a new way to shoot and new ways to think about it, I found myself on a beach with my camera early one morning. I think it was Carmel, or maybe Santa Cruz. Either way, I was still wrapping my head around the fact that I was actually there, at this point in my life. There was a young woman with a boogie board, just standing in the sand in a wetsuit, staring at the surf. The sun was in her face, and the light was just about perfect. I wrestled with the need to take her portrait: whether to approach and ask her, or be cowardly (and a little creepy) and just snap a shot surreptitiously. In the end, I decided against it altogether. It bothered me, though, that I chickened out—that maybe I wasn't serious about this thing.
Time passed, but that missed moment still weighed on my mind. COVID burned through the world and then finally calmed down. I had less time on my hands, but I still wanted to stretch in some way.
Finally, inspiration struck, like it does so often to us: like a bolt from the blue. One morning, I packed the car and drove south a bit to Rodeo Beach in the Marin Headlands. We had been there before while exploring, and it was a popular surfing spot.
I unpacked and set up my gear in the middle of the beach: a heavy c-stand, a strobe, and a softbox. I do love the simplicity of a one-light portrait. Then, heart in my throat, I started approaching surfers as they came out of the water or were just getting started. My request was simple: give me one to two minutes, tops, and let me take your portrait—just for a personal project. It was scary, but that's what I wanted: to challenge myself. Without fail, everyone was agreeable, open, and friendly, like most Californians I encountered in my time.
I have always loved these kinds of environmental-style portraits. The somewhat elaborate setup gave me some level of validity, perhaps, as opposed to some guy skulking about with a camera. Either way, I was pleased with the results and repeated the effort a couple of times.
Clearly this was a reaction to my hesitation and anxiety with the girl on the beach the year before. I suppose I wanted to recreate the situation on my own terms. That it was a success was the galvanizing force I needed at that time. It taught me that being afraid (or at least unsure) was not a bad thing. I learned that people are often more willing to participate in a creative venture than you might give them credit for. Being able to connect with strangers, and adjust my settings while they waited without panic was its own lesson as well.
In the end I captured some of my favorite portraits. I don’t know any of these people’s names, or where they are in the world now. However, I have these images, and the memories of these moments in a strange and magical land.
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